• October 25, 2015 /  Uncategorized

    There is a place in Suffering where few dare to go.
    This is a place not all are called to travel.
    It may well be a door that remains closed to some, as intended by God Himself.
    All suffer, that is to be true.  And all suffering is real.  It’s deep.
    It’s yours.
    Not one of us shall escape Her winding paths or ridged cliffs.
    But the door…
    the doorway to the deepest suffering is reserved for the few
    the chosen
    who have been placed in this life by God Himself
    to taste the deepest of fellowship
    the choicest of darkness
    and the depths of pain.
    That doorway, if unopened by one’s own choice
    will lead in a circle round about and back to the main.
    Ever re-presenting itself on the path of one’s life.
    Begging to be opened and beckoning one in.
    Eventually, slowly, one dares open the door
    to the deep recesses
    and steps through.
    She is a quiet place.
    A dark friend.
    In the choicest part of Her room…. all is still.
    One cannot move, or pray, or cry.
    One cannot think, or blink or sing.
    One dare not close her eyes too long
    for fear that even her heart shall stop beating.
    And another breath might not come.
    And one would be suffocated in this silent darkness.
    Lifeless.
    Left to die.
    Alone.
    Behind the doors of Suffering.
    The very depths of the room of Suffering is a peculiar place.
    There seems to be an altar there
    laced with Blood, as of a Lamb
    where once there was made
    a sacrifice.
    When the time is full and, one is ready
    one leans in close
    and lays herself on the altar
    receiving the Blood into her very self.
    This room is always quiet.
    This darkness is always deep.
    This taste is unkind on the lips.
    And one gasps as the smell of suffering penetrates the room.
    Yet this is the only place
    where one has found
    the resolution to the age old question
    of how one learns
    to
    be
    still
    and
    know
    that
    He
    is
    God.
    Close the door on suffering
    if I dared leave it open a crack
    for fear that I’d be locked away forever
    managing a quick retreat
    Close the door on suffering
    I say
    and let me stay
    a little longer
    in the very presence
    of my GOD.

  • October 7, 2015 /  Uncategorized

    head inuryHello my name is Kim Barnes Waterman and i have a   traumatic brain injury.  Over the past 8 years I’ve had about 10 blows to the head that would be considered  concussions.  All of them were mild and i recovered nicely from each one within several hours to a few days.  I never bothered much with them, thought much about them or let them slow me down.  Besides some car sickness, occasional vertigo and not being able to go on (or watch) amusement park rides i had no lingering effects.

    During the summer of 2013 i had 3 concussions, spaced several weeks apart. One, in which i lost consciousness, briefly. Each concussion that summer took longer and was harder to recover from but by Fall of 2013 i was fully recovered and enjoying my life.  I continued my journey with only the “wear and tear of life” head bumps and a few basketballs to the noggin…nothing that left me symptomatic for long lengths of time.

    On March 21, 2015, while at my kids out-of-town basketball games, i slipped and fell on ice… smashing the back of my head on the concrete sidewalk.  I never lost consciousness, but lay stunned, as the son towering over me and i  said simultaneously…”This isn’t good.”

    Almost 7 months latter and i am still recovering from my brain injury also known as post concussive syndrome (PCS).  I have recovered a little.  I have a very long way to go.  I am holding on to the hope that i will someday be fully recovered.

    I have been my own best advocate in this uncharted journey.  I have seen multiple medical and neurological doctors, concussion specialists, eye doctors and physical and occupational therapist.  I have tried medicine (which made me worse) and am active in light therapy, vestibular therapy, vision therapy and chiropractic care.  I stay in close contact with all my doctors.   Before March 21, 2015…i knew nothing about concussions or brain injuries, i just thought, “You get hit in the head, you rub it awhile, you get back up.”  I guess i had a lot to learn.

    I am not happy in this state.  I am working on choosing contentment each day. I don’t always choose well.  I don’t always want to.  My symptoms are multiple and complex.  They are severe and they are every day.  Therefore, i am confined to home.  I cannot drive.  Riding in a car makes me terribly ill.  I walk with a cane.  I wear dark sunglasses and earplugs and sometimes a helmet.  My injured brain does not deal well with light, or noise, or movement, or crowds, or stress…it simply can’t.  It is injured.  It needs to heal.  I have to let it.

    If you see me out please know it is NOT because i feel well, it is because i have to be, such as traveling to therapy or a doctors appointment…OR because i have counted the cost and am willing to pay the price for over-stimulating my brain, such as attending my childs sports event.

    If you do not see me out please know i am most likely missing my life…and you.

    I have recently finished “gathering information” regarding my diagnosis.  I now feel i have enough info to begin to chew and then digest this portion of my life journey. This is not a pleasant flavor in my mouth. Sometimes i choke. Sometimes i spit it out in disgust.  Sometimes i barf.  Sometimes i push this plate away from me in anger, hurling it onto the floor cause I DON’T WANT TO EAT THIS ANYMORE.

    My greatest consolation in this suffering is this:
    My GOD could have kept my foot from slipping that day, like HE had 5,ooo times before.  But HE did not.
    My GOD could step in front of me on this path anytime HE wants to, look directly into my eyes and this whole thing would be over…i’d walk right out of this suffering, and it would all be behind me.  But HE has not.
    What HE has done is this……
    He has told me that He has commanded strength of day for me…and when strength is needed, it will be there.
    HE has mentioned that HIS power is made perfect in my weakness.
    HE has reminded me that HE weaves all events in my life together for good.
    And HE has assured me….it will be worth it…in the end..all my life sufferings …will be worth it.

    My great great grandmother, Mrs. Daniel Converse was a JESUS lover.  She was an intercessory.  She was a writer.  She died at the age 43 leaving behind 1 daughter Cora…who had several children, one of whom was Greta, my gramie, who had my daddy George, who in turn had me.  I have one of my great great grandmothers poems, which she wrote, as she was suffering with the illness that would usher her into her Beloveds presence.

    I’LL LOVE HIM MORE DEARLY THAT IN DAYS OF YORE
    I’LL SERVE HIM MORE NEARLY THAN EVER BEFORE
    I’LL DO AS HE BIDS ME WHATEVER THE COST
    I’LL BE A GOOD SOLDIER, I’LL DIE AT MY POST.

    Sometimes i wonder of she ever threw her plate off the table.

    Hello, my name is Kim Barnes Waterman and i have a traumatic brain injury.