• December 20, 2020 /  Uncategorized

    10 Ways I Found that Jesus’ Birth was Announced…

    1.  Many prophesies. Here are 2 examples;
    *Matthew 1:22-23,  Isaiah 7:14, Isaiah 9:6 Now all this took place so that what was spoken by the Lord through the prophet would be fulfilled; “Behold, the virgin will conceive and give birth to a Son, and they shall name Him Immanuel, “which translated means, “God with us.”  …. “Therefore the Lord Himself will give you a sign: Behold, the virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and she will name Him Immanuel.”…. “For a child will be born to us, a son will be given to us, And the government will rest on His shoulders; And His name will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Eternal Father, Prince of Peace.”

    *Matthew 2:6, Micah 5:2 “And you, Bethlehem, land of Judah, are by no means least among the leaders of Judah; for from you will come forth a Ruler who will shepherd My people Israel.”… “But as for you, Bethlehem Ephrathah, too little to be among the clans of Judah,
    From you, One will come forth for Me to be ruler in Israel. His times of coming forth are from long ago, From the days of eternity.”

    2. The angel Gabriel visited Mary in person to announce Jesus’ birth.  Luke 1:26-38
    Angelic visitation to the mom.

    3. An angel appears to Joseph in a dream to announce Jesus’ birth. Matthew 1.
    Appeared in a dream to the step-dad.

    4. Her relative Elizabeth prophesies to Mary. Luke 1:39-45
    Woman to woman in private.

    5. Angels announce Jesus’ birth to the shepherds. Luke 2:8-20
    Announced to the poor and lowly of that time. (Lower class)

    6. Shephards tell the people. Luke 2:17-18
    Everyday voices sharing the good news.

    7. Simeon in the temple announced Jesus. Luke 2:25-35
    Elderly man led of the Spirit.

    8. Anna in the temple announced Jesus. Luke 2:36-38
    Aged woman devoted to God.

    9. Creation (the star) announced Jesus birth.  Matthew 2:1-6
    I love this.

    10. Magi (the Kings) announced the Kings birth to Herod. Matthew 2:1-9
    Wise and rich men. (Upperclass)

    I was so impressed with this list of birth announcements…
    the announcers include; the young, the old, the rich, the poor,
    the supernatural, the human, the Word, the dream,
    in public, in private and even creation itself.

    Happy Birthday Jesus.

  • June 26, 2020 /  Uncategorized

    June 2020

    During a recent prayer time for my nation the Lord gave me a great revelation.
    It was interesting.
    It was clear.
    It was pointed.
    It was instructional.
    And it has been confirmed many times over.

    I saw a great wedding in progress. The church was packed out with those gathering to watch and those in the wedding party.
    It was a beautiful wedding procession actually. The people were pretty. The decor was nice.
    The garments were stylish and cute.
    The vibe in the air was of joyous anticipation as everyone waited for the marriage ceremony to begin.

    I saw the groomsmen, the best man, the flower girls, and ring barer.
    I watched as the bridesmaids and the maid of honor glided smiling down the aisle.
    I gathered from the way that he was “robed out” that it was some sort of  priest who was officiating.

    As I looked around the packed pews I saw the gatherers neatly seated on the brides side
    and on the grooms.
    It was impressed upon me that they chose their preference when they first arrived.

    There were so many people at this wedding…people from all over. I knew that sitting in these pews were “Jews and Gentiles” folks that followed Jesus as well as many who did not. Some of the Christ lovers seemed uncomfortable while they waited for the ceremony to begin. They fidgeted nervously as if they were not sure what to do.

    I never saw the bride. I never saw the groom.
    I only lingered at this church wedding, waiting with the others.

    Then the scene fast forward to the priest who stood upon the church stage with Bible in hand.
    I assumed the bride had descended the aisle and the groom had stepped forward. I knew by the Spirit  that they had taken their places on either side of the priest, ready to be united in holy matrimony, though I saw none of this motion. Never did I catch a full glimpse of the two to be wed; the Lord kept them hidden from me.

    The priest then said aloud to the guests who had assembled the first and only words I heard during this vision…”If any object to this union speak now or forever hold your peace.”


    Here is what I believe the Lord was showing me….

    This church ceremony was signifying the marriage between the Man of Lawlessness and the One World Government.
    The Man of Lawlessness was the one to descend down the aisle as a beautiful bride would on her wedding day.
    The One World Government was waiting for him at the front of the church.
    Both had a huge support system.
    Those who picked “friend of the groom” when they arrived loved the idea of One World Government.
    Those who choose “side of the bride” when they walked in were supportive of this one.

    At first I thought it strange that it was such a pretty wedding. All around pretty.
    But I guess that is the deception.
    How many folks would turn out to support snarling, stinking, fighting, dirty, dark and knowingly evil?
    If their clothing was ripped and tattered. Their hair in a rumble. Their demeanor nasty and devilish I assume it would have been harder to support and partake.

    This vision focused on 2 things…the wedding party and those in the pews.

    The wedding party…This was a huge wedding with many on both the bride and grooms side showing up to support.
    The wedding party was standing with this union and they had come to usher it in.
    All in the wedding party were the forerunners to the big culmination.
    They were paving the way and vibing their excitement to the crowd.
    1 John 2:18 Dear children, this is the last hour; and as you have heard that the antichrist is coming, even now many antichrists have come. This is how we know it is the last hour.
    Many today walk in opposition to Jesus Christ. They carry the Antichrist spirit.
    Before the Man of Lawlessness arrives there will be many men of lawlessness paving the way.

    The guests…a very large group and most were super excited and happy to be there with several Christians strewn throughout the pews. Some of the Christians were noticeably uncomfortable. When the priest said, “If anyone objects to this union speak now or forever hold your peace” I could tell that some of the Christians wanted to say something but they remained uncomfortably silent.

    I felt that the silent Christian held back for these reasons…
    1. afraid of persecution.
    2. didn’t want to be the one to stir up trouble.
    3. afraid they would be the only one to speak up.
    4. thought someone else would do it so they wouldn’t have to.
    5. BUT MOSTLY they remained silent because they felt that their one little voice would not make much of a difference anyways.
    They believed that the wedding was destined to happen whether they spoke their opinion or not…so why bother.

    The common wedding phrase, the only words I heard, “If anyone objects to this union speak now or forever hold your peace” had one very decisive meaning which is not to be misinterpreted.
    Speak now directly relates to the Christ lover standing up in PRAYER and CRYING OUT TO GOD.
    The Father’s instruction in this revelation is to pray without ceasing, see the evil and call out to Him, stand against the demonic while beseeching the Lord, rule and reign with the scepter of prayer.
    God wants us to pray to Him NOW. This is a strategic moment.

    Remember the time that the Israelites failed to obey God in their now moment?
    The Lord had told them to go up and fight the battle yet at that time in their unbelief they refused. Their now moment passed them by before they decided that they had better do what God had instructed. So…they got up and tried but it was too late. They hadn’t acted at the appointed time and because they missed it they were sorely defeated by their enemy. (Numbers 14:40-50)
    The Old Testament is there for our instruction and warning. (1 Corinthians 10:11) Pay attention to this account.

    Recall the golden bowl in heaven being filled up with the prayers of the saints? (Revelations 5:8)
    And at the proper time when the brim is reached those prayers are mixed with the fire of heaven and thrown back down to the earth. (Revelation 8:3-5)
    Though many feel as if their prayers will not have any impact my God says differently…
    Every cry is heard (Psalm 34:17)
    Every prayer uttered is received. (Psalm 40:1)
    Every prayer is counted and counted upon for such a time as this. (Esther 4:14)

    No one knows the exact timeline of the Lord. (Matthew 24:36)
    But we see the signs. (Luke 12:56)
    We understand that the man of lawlessness will be revealed. (2 Thessalonians 2:3)
    The marriage of the Man of Lawlessness with the One World Government will occur whether tomorrow or 50 years from now.
    Either way while we each have breath in us we have the responsibility to heed this call and speak now (in prayer) or forever hold our peace.

    Praying now whether it seems to make a difference or not will allow each of us to lay our heads down at night and sleep knowing that we did everything in our power, through obedience, to seek the Lord during these trying times.
    We will never live to regret praying more. (Philippians 4:6)
    And our prayers will outlive us if the Lord should tarry. (John 17:20-21)

    Hear this…this is not a call to physical action….it is a call to learn to pray.
    And in that praying place the Lord will reveal what, if anything else, He would have you to do.
    Then, and only then, go and do what He tells you.

    The choice is ours….We get to choose this day whom we will serve…
    Prayer or Silence.

    “If you object to this union speak now or forever hold your peace.”

  • April 2, 2020 /  Uncategorized


    draw people

    If I should become a statistic I’d want it to be known that the people I was appointed to do life with are the folks I would have chosen to spend my days with anyways.

    If I should become a statistic I’d want it to be known that my first family (my Grampie, my Grammie, my Dad, my Mom, and my Brother) will always be the forerunners of my heart. The ones who journeyed with me before I stepped away to become an “us.” You are the ones who paved the way to the future highways of my life.

    If I should become a statistic I’d want it to be known that my second family (my Seth, my Heath, my Hannah, my Joshua, my Rebekah, my Josiah, my Benjamin, my Noah, my Elisabeth, my Charlie, my Jude, My Skylar, my Jaxton and the sweet faces I have not yet met) each hold a key to my heart.  I would never have thought it possible to love so many, so hard, so fully…yet it’s true. I could not have loved any one of you any more…I love you each completely. just. exactly. the. way. you. are.

    If I should become a statistic I’d want it to be known that I overflow with gratitude for the many wonderful friends that took up space in my life. You made the journey more pleasurable and the long dark nights more do-able.

    If I should become a statistic I’d want it to be known that God’s grace never ceased to amaze me. Grace alone enabled me, no matter how deep the waters or how hard the blowing wind, to never give up. Grace empowered me to not quit.
    I never quit.
    Not on Jesus.
    Not on myself.
    Not on any of you.

    If I should become a statistic I’d want it to be known that I can see clearly now.
    There is nothing but blue skies.
    All the pain is gone.
    And it is a bright, bright, bright sunshiny day.

  • January 16, 2020 /  Uncategorized

    Many months ago I had a short vision. Here’s the best way I can describe it. I saw a black upside down colander (without the holes) slowly descending over America and sealing itself over the boundaries, like vacuum seal.   The Lord continued to bring this vision back to me repeatedly over several days. As I sought Him for interpretation, I remained pretty much clueless.  Usually, I receive the revelations for the visions fairly quickly, if not immediately, but this one had me stumped.  I choose to keep this between the Lord and I for a few weeks pondering over, praying into and searching for what in the world Father was showing me.

    Upside down, black hole-less colander slowly descending and sealing in the boundaries of my USA?  I figured this signified something either good or bad. I voted for the good thinking maybe God was unleashing a sovereign protection sealing in my country from attacks, specifically airborne, possibly nuclear, chemical or cyber. Though this could very well have been the proper interpretation I had little peace about it and the Lord still wasn’t speaking.

    Eventually, I broached the subject with two girlfriends. Though neither had revelation we did discuss possible options and prayed together for clarity. This mystery continued to bug me until one day a prophetic intercessor contacted me via messenger with a short unrelated question. It was during that communication that I felt to unveiled my recent vision to her. She very quickly typed back the interpretation. Like, BAM there it was.  God had kept my eyes closed and opened this sisters “knowing” to help me. How sweetly scriptural (see 1 Corinthians 13:9, 1 Corinthians 14:29-33)

    In a nut shell, black represents demonic and the upside down hole-less colander represented a witches cauldron. A new level of witchcraft had been released over my nation…and it was so strong that it sealed our boundaries in. The Holy Spirit in me witnessed to this interpretation and I thanked God for His revealing.

    When you see something of this magnitude it is for the purpose of powerful intercessory prayer.  Then, if out of prayer, God tells you to go do something, some prophetic act or whatever…you go do it. Problem was for me however that this was a very scary, hopeless vision. I mean I am smart enough to know that if you take a black kettle and plop it upside down on the ground everything under it is gonna be dark; like really dark, like blind-me dark, like that thick darkness of Old Testament dark, like gulp dark.

    So I prayed but mostly I scared prayed. Scared prayed is not the same as bold prayed and it doesn’t yield the same results. Now, I know some about the character of my God. I know that the He doesn’t show you stuff to freak you and and send you in a downward tizzy. He reveals stuff for Kingdom purpose so that we can partner with Him to get His work done. I knew I had to serve scared prayer an eviction notice so to that faith prayer could move in, but how? Well, “Thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumph in Christ…” 2 Corinthians 2:14. By the leading of the Lord I began to think upon and study a bit the truth of the Holy Spirit, the ONLY One who can penetrate such a deep cauldron inflicted darkness and produce light in those eerie places.

    I reminded myself that the Holy Spirit is being poured out on ALL men leading them to Jesus, even in the darkest of places.
    I reaffirmed to myself the solid truth of John 1:5 “The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.”
    I quoted the verse from Jesus, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life,” found in John 8.
    I remembered Psalm 139:12 which states, “Even the darkness is not dark to You (God), And the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You.”
    I took great comfort in the “loose” Holy Spirit that is running around this world and who is Not. One. Tiny. Bit. Afraid. Of. The. Dark.

    Turing scared prayers into faith prayers…now that Holy Spirit stuff!

  • July 11, 2019 /  Uncategorized

    Home schooling remains one of the highlights of my life marking over 30 years of time spent.

    But these days it’s just rear view mirror images of days gone by and seasons past.

    Having traveled more than half of my life down this road I have hit the pot holes,
    taken the wrong turns and got the flat tires.
    I’ve also led my family on adventures, cranking the radio and singing really, really loud.

    Advice I would give to first time drivers, those who are learning to accelerate or those who are in the
    which-way-do-I-go home schooling season is fairly simple…..

    Pick the car that fits your states rules and get in.
    Learn what the home schooling requirements are for your area and abide by them.
    That is the car you are in.
    Buckle your seat belt so you don’t bounce out when the going gets rough, cause the going will get rough.
    This seat buckle will keep you within the laws of your state which is a safeguard for you.
    Some home schoolers choose to buck the system and disobey the states requirements.
    That’s their prerogative. I didn’t drive that way.
    I met the requirements, on time, every time.
    I submitted the paperwork.
    I did the evals and testing.
    I didn’t agree with everything. But that wasn’t the point.
    I wanted to be known as a compliant, non combative home schooler.
    It worked well for me.
    I drove below the radar.
    I never had any trouble with the school districts personal, home school administrators, paper work, etc…
    I was gracious when I spoke with them on the phone or via letter or email…even if they were not so sweet to me.
    I have never regretted this decision.
    I drove the car of my state and I buckled.

    Then I took the country roads.

    Once in the car of my state and everyone was buckled
    I drove the roads I wanted to at the speed I enjoyed.
    I always knew where I wanted to end up on the final day of any school year and I headed that way.
    Yet, I stopped often, wasn’t afraid of U-Turns, veered off the path and drove all year long.

    I didn’t have to drive very far on the home school road to know that schooling worked better for us
    when we did not stop the car completely for 3 months straight.
    Seems the car parts got rusty and locked up if we did that.
    So we home schooled year round.
    This was a smarty idea because inevitably flu season would roll around
    and crash our car for a few weeks.
    The year round driving schedule gave us the wiggle room to make it work…
    even when we didn’t work.

    I drove my home schooling car year by year.
    That way we allowed for tune ups, adjustments, and maybe even getting a new car!
    I found that every single year we drove differently
    because family dimensions changed so much within that time frame.
    Finances changed, health changes, new babies, potty training, unexpected needs, learning disabilities, etc….
    We always stopped to read our road map at the end of every year, assess our unique situations,
    see how much gas we had left in the tank, and then we would figure it out from there.
    We stayed in our states car.
    We kept our seat belts buckled so we wouldn’t fall out.
    But we made the adjustments our way, in our time, for our best.
    We were not bound to curriculum, married to workbooks, and we never made any blood pacts with IHIPS.

    With so many people in our car we chose only activities that worked for the whole family.
    That is how we drove.
    Mom’s chronic illnesses and lots of kids made it impossible to drive any other way.
    No individual sports teams, classes or activities.
    Either their was a place for everyone in the same space at the same time
    or it was out of the realm of our journeys possibility.
    We simply didn’t travel down that road.
    I believe this is one reason my kids still today, over 30 years later,
    continue to be each others best friends.

    Also, we chose to never have a T.V., VCR, DVD player in our car.
    For at least 25 years we were a fam-bam that went without that “luxury.”
    Since sitting in front of something for entertainment was not an option
    my kiddos were all forced to create their own fun.
    And they did.
    My home schooling car was always full of art supplies, instruments,
    movie cameras and props,
    and laundry baskets full of books.
    We drove weekly to our local library, toting laundry baskets full of books to exchange for new ones.

    And when we could we car pooled.
    We hopped into someone elses home schooling car or they hopped into ours.
    I have the fondest memories of years of home school co-ops full of multi-age kiddos,
    with the best and greatest home schooling moms all driving their cars, their way,
    pulling into the parking lot to rally together.
    Then there were the family-to-family special interest classes, mini seminars,
    or once-a-week get togethers.
    And since we were all driving the same way we could do that, anytime we wanted!

    I wasn’t a perfect driver. Some days not even very good.
    There were times when we kept the car parked in the garage never going anywhere.
    And there were lots of times when I sat behind the wheel alone crying my head off
    because I had no idea how to fix our car that had stalled along side the road.

    These days I sit in my driveway in my car alone and smile.
    I gaze into the rear view mirror and remember.
    And sometimes, by myself,  I crank the radio up and sing real, real loud.

  • July 6, 2019 /  Uncategorized


    Dear Readers,                                                                                              Letter 3

    I hope that your today is going well.
    I long for you to feel brave and important.
    I pray that you don’t give up.

    Let’s see…where did I leave off?
    Oh yeah, lying exhausted on the couch for ALL my child raising years. Uhhummmm.
    This time let’s turn the clock back just a few years…say 2014.

    A lot transpired between my 27th and my 54th birthday.
    Chronically ill had managed to cruelly rip many of the sweet cards outta my life deck.
    I was always, always at a deficit, and I knew it.
    What chronically ill left behind for me to “manage with,” divorce picked up and puked all over.

    In 2007 I found myself huddled alone with the first “D” word that I had learned to hate. Divorce.
    In 2014 I found myself laying bewildered and confused in my bed with the second “D” word I hated, laying right beside me. Disabled.

    Since how I stumbled upon that first dreaded “D” word is nobodies business, I will slip slide into “D” word number two, disabled.

    Three summertime concussions in 2014 left me a bit dizzy but not unable.
    I recovered well from them all and set a great pace back to life by September.
    Things were starting to fall into place a bit as a busy single mama of many children.

    In March of 2015, I drove my kid to an AAU Basketball Tourney in Cortland. I loved those things.
    Hurrying into the sports center my foot slipped on the icy pathway and I ba-bammed the back of my head directly on the concrete sidewalk.
    I lay there for a few seconds, I think in shock, when I looked up and saw my 6’4″ basketball playing son towering over me looking down into my dazed eyes.
    Simultaneously, we said, “That wasn’t good.”

    Little did I know that this was the concussion that would change my life.
    I don’t think I will ever be able to shake the “whap” sound of my head smacking the concrete.

    Between 2014 and 2018…in a 4 years time…I would go on to receive 11 head injuries.
    And FYI, repeated concussions is not a good thing.
    My life was forever changed, my destiny permanently altered by:
    the bash on the top of the refrigerator,
    the basketball off the rim to the head,
    the piece of picket fence falling onto my noggin,
    the car accident,
    the iron skillet loosening and falling down,
    the elbow to the head while catching fireflies in the dark,
    the frisbee while I was looking the other way…these all added to my permanently disabled.
    I now live with Post Concussion Syndrome. Every. Single. Day.
    And unless the Lord heals me, it ain’t going away.
    My white-knuckled hope is that it won’t continue to get worse.

    A future letter will be fully devoted to PCS and her habits.

    In 2017, while still reeling from several mild traumatic brain injuries, I developed temporal arteritis.
    I had never heard of this but boy, oh boy was it painful….and potentially very dangerous.
    There is only one treatment for temporal arteritis and that is very high doses of the steroid, prednisone.
    For months. And months.
    Then slowly weaning and tapering off.
    Only to find that this disease isn’t being submissive to the steroid.
    So you up the dose and you try weaning again.
    All in an attempt to save your eyesight and prevent an aneurysm.
    FYI, prednisone messes with your body and the side effects are way horrible.
    But you like being able to see.
    And you don’t like aneurysms.

    A future letter will be written detailing temporal arteritis and her ways.

    Six weeks-ish into treatment for Temporal Arteritis I developed multiple Pulmonary Embolisms.
    Them is blood clots.
    And they filled both my lungs, evidently stemming from a clot in my right leg.
    I should have died.
    I was in the hospital for a week.
    On my birthday. And Christmas. And New Years.
    It was really, really hard.
    I will be on blood thinners for life as doctors and specialist determined these clots “unprovoked.”
    In other words, they have no idea what caused them.

    A future letter will address Pulmonary Embolisms and her mannerisms.

    The blood clots spawned AFIB.
    And AFIB stressed my heart and lungs.
    Another medicine for life was birthed.

    From here we begin the “snowball on the hill” effect.
    Growths in my lungs and spots requiring a Pulmonologist.
    Residue and complications from clots needing Vascular Surgeons.
    Shortness of breath requiring C-Pap Machine.
    Weird blood work calling out for a Hematologist.
    Constant, chronic bloody noses that require multiple cauterizations yells for an ENT.
    (interesting fact: one more cauterize and they would have cautered all the way through my nasal septum)
    OBGYN for scary shouldn’t-be-happening-during-menopause stuff
    that was deemed inconclusive even with biopsies, so we wait and see.
    Rheumatologists, Primary Care, Neurologists, tests and imaginings filled my days.

    It was also during this time that all, and I mean all, of my income, was cut off.
    I had absolutely no choice but to turn to my county for help.
    I simply could not keep the lights on.
    Temporary Assistance would help me if;
    I attended their meetings, applied for jobs, answered their calls, went to their doctors,
    filled out hours and hours of paperwork, got my picture taken, was fingerprinted,
    attended more of their meetings and interviews to determine my eligibility
    where I had to tell my story over and over to mostly uncaring social workers who didn’t give a personal rip if my needs were met. (apologies to those Social Workers who do, This simply wasn’t my experience.)

    This was all done over several months where I would have to line up my own rides,
    don my don’t-get-me-sicker-than-I-already-am mask,
    tote my cane, and walk very slowly being sure to take the elevators
    as my breathing was so labored due to all them Pulmonary Embolisms.
    Let’s just say Disability combined with Poverty is not easy.
    Yet, hundreds of thousands of folks find themselves doing it everyday.

    Speed up till today. July 2019.
    I can’t pee.
    The doctors don’t know why.
    I can list all the guesses here and the many, many doctors I have seen just for this.
    At minimal I have something called Interstitial Cystitis.
    It stinks.
    I have to self-cath several times a day to keep myself “safe.”
    I am in pain most of the time.
    I can pee every 10 minutes a lot of days.
    I am constantly getting bladder and kidney infections.

    It takes way too much time being me, I’ve decided.

    So…that’s my story (so far)
    I am chronically ill.
    I am disabled.
    I am housebound but not bed-bound.
    And I’m on a journey to try and figure out how to live like this.

    If your on that same path, my heart goes out to you.
    I get it. In my own disabled way I get it.
    And I am here for you.

    Till next time.

  • July 6, 2019 /  Uncategorized

    Hi, My Friends!                                                                                              Letter 2

    I thought I would devote this note to the list of chronic ailments that I figure qualify me for writing you letters like this.
    After all, I am not a physician, specialist, therapist, nurse, or even anyone very important.
    I am just a chick who has been living through several all-the-time illnesses for many years and have a heart to share with other warrior/sufferers so that all of us may be reminded that we are not alone.

    Rewind 30 years.
    I was a healthy, happy, productive, busy, successful wife, mama and homemaker.
    All my life I had dreamed of family, as in staying home and taking care of my nest, and my dream was unfolding nicely.
    After a fun day at the zoo with my hubby, our two little boys and some friends and their kids I remember riding home feeling especially tired.
    Not bad, just tired.
    I shrugged it off to the days outing, went home got my family some dinner and we all went to bed.
    Little did I know that this would be my last day of living “un-chronically.”

    The next day I awoke and well, I couldn’t move.
    I couldn’t walk. I couldn’t talk.
    I couldn’t breathe. Something was terribly wrong.
    I crawled down the stairs and lay on the living room floor.
    What was happening?
    I assumed I was coming down with a virus. But if that were the case this was like a virus I had never known.

    My good mama came to the aid and spent the day taking care of my 3 and 1-year-olds while I lay on the hardwood floor.
    I. Could, Not. Move.
    My breathing was faint. I felt like I was to pass out at any minute. I noticed my pulse ran very, very slow.

    “Maybe you should go see the doctor if your that sick,” My mom said by the afternoon.
    Not thinking straight and not knowing what to do I followed her advice and crawled out to my car and drove (I have no idea how) 8 miles to the next town.
    I had not called for an appointment.
    I just remember walking into the small office, looking at the receptionist and saying, “Is the doctor here?” while I walked back into the examination rooms.
    As I entered the narrow hall a nurse came over to me and said, “You can’t be back here” as I fell into her arms and passed out.

    I woke up on an examining table.
    Two nurses were standing over me shaking me, “Kim, open your eyes. Don’t close your eyes. Don’t go to sleep. Stay awake. Wake up. Look at me!”
    Everything was muffled. My breathing was obviously labored. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t answer.
    I realized this was bad when one nurse took my blood pressure and I heard (something) over 3.
    The bottom number of my blood pressure was 3.
    I saw the nurses glance at each other with deep concern on their faces.
    “Quick, go get the doctor,” the oldest nurse said to the younger. She hurriedly left the room while the elder nurse kept coaxing me awake.

    Long story short…by the time the doctor came in he had no idea what to do with me and sent me home after drinking a cup of water and laying there for an hour.
    The nurses were mortified. They had seen me at my worst. He had seen me as I was slightly rousing.
    So, the nurses basically carried me to my car. And I drove home.

    This was my entrance into the world of the chronic.
    The world of invisible illness.
    The world of the “Spoonies.”
    The world of the “we don’t know.”
    The world of the never-get-betters.”

    In the blink of an eye. In one overnight.
    My healthy, strong, productive body had turned into a temple of pain, weakness, and exhaustion.
    And for months and months and months and months, no one could tell me why.

    The day I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Immune Dysfunction Syndrome (CFIDS) and Fibromyalgia, I cried in the doctor’s office.
    I jumped up and grabbed the specialists hands and shouted, “I’m sick!”
    Dr. John Condemi laughed and said back, “Congratulations! You’re sick!”

    When one is treading the rough waters of invisible illness one feels very alone.
    It’s up to that one to keep swimming. It’s up to that one to keep your head above water.
    And there are so many voices from the shore that keep shouting your way.
    “You’re depressed stuck home with two little kids all day.”
    “You need to eat better, exercise more, or do some yoga.”
    “Try these herbs.”
    “Take these pills.”
    “This is all in your head.”
    “I’m tired too.”
    “You don’t look sick.”
    “Have you tried (fill in the blank) they worked for my cousin and she was just like you!”
    And the biggest, baddest voices would shout, “You’re crazy!”

    So, the one treading water swims to every doctor, every magic cure, every herb, oil, home and Chinese remedy they can find in an attempt to get well.
    And they swim to a licensed psychiatrist to find out if what lots of people are saying is true…
    Maybe you are crazy. Maybe you are making yourself sick. Maybe you are not trying hard enough to get better. Maybe.

    I understand that I entered the world of the chronic at a time when CFIDS (now called Myalgic Encephalomyelitis)
    was basically unheard of and rarely believed, even by physicians.
    There was no support groups, internet access, magazines, or even guidelines to help get the sufferer through their day.
    This was uncharted water….and I was swimming it.

    I remember canes, walkers, couches, and beds downstairs for me to lay in.
    I recall crawling from room to room much of the time.
    We planted chairs in the doorways so I could pass from the living room to the kitchen and sit down to rest on the way.
    We arranged the “Cuddly Chair” in the corner of the kitchen with a huge basket of kids books beside so I could sit, rest, snooze, or read to my littles.
    I had my “Big Blue Chair” in the bedroom for rocking, nursing, and spending countless sleepless nights…one of the worst symptoms of CFIDS.
    I got sick with other things.
    I stayed home while my growing family went out.
    If I was feeling spunky I would go along in the car and lay in the backseat while my hubby took the kids off on an adventure somewhere.
    I would cry all my tears before their return then listen to the stories of the fun that they had.
    Cause that’s what a good mom does.
    I once went to the zoo with my growing family….in a wheelchair.

    Three times over the years I begged God to, “Take me home and get a real wife and momma in here for this family!”

    Once on a very sick day, I hear the town emergency siren sounding. I was thrilled.
    “Thank You,” I mouthed as I half crawled, half stumbled outside into the summer sun.
    I made it to my lawn chair, lay back and smiled as I watched my kids innocently playing.
    “Thank You. Please send someone to come take care of the kids till their dad gets home.”
    I rested. I waited. I looked at my kids.
    It seemed like forever but finally, I heard the ambulance siren and it was headed my way.
    I relaxed my body with a final “Thank You.”
    After a few moments, the sirens passed my driveway and continued down the street.
    With tears streaming down my face, that no one saw but the Lord, I made my way back onto the couch where I would spend the majority of my child raising years.

    If you are a “never-get-better” I’m certain that you can relate to this portion of my story.
    If you are a “chronic like me” I bet you know that this letter drudged up a bunch of hard memories that will likely trigger my PTSD.
    If you too have an “invisible illness” I’m sure you know that not every part of life sucks but sometimes ya gotta tell the tale.
    And if you cried with me when you read this, then I know that you will understand that the rest of my chronic illnesses will have to wait for the next letter.

    Wherever you are in your journey my friend, please know that you are not alone, though you will feel it.
    Remind yourself that not every minute will stink.
    That good things still happen.
    That there is still life to live.

    I promise that once we get past my “credentials” we will journey together through this.
    I will share helpful hints, silly stores, and deep thoughts on living chronic.
    We will search for treasure in the darkness.
    We will swim together and I will yell good things from your shoreline.

    Thank you for allowing me your time and brain space today.

    Until next time.

  • July 6, 2019 /  Uncategorized

    Dear Friends,

    The day I visited a new doctor was the day I realized how chronic my life had become.

    I remember sitting, on the exam table with the paper blue gown draped over my body parts while the “next doctor on my to-do list” reviewed the medical notes that told the story of my life. She “uh-hu-ed and oh-hoo-ed then paused and turned to me with a quizzical look, “You’re divorced AND disabled?” she wondered aloud.
    I paused briefly while I pondered her question then responded, “Yes, yes I am.”
    She looked at me before returning to my thickened file and said, “Well, that’s too bad.”
    “Yes, yes it is,” I said out loud.

    The rest of that appointment was a blur of medical terms, and test results and options listed, and follow-ups discussed, blah blah… blah blah blah… blah.
    Yet, what I took home with me that day, what I remember the most from that appointment were those two words, divorced and disabled, being used together in one sentence…and they were pertaining to me!

    Being a chick that takes a while to digest my life’s events; it had taken me seven years before I said to myself one evening, “Welp, I’m pretty sure he is not coming home,” signaling the “D” word “divorce” entrance into my vocabulary.

    Being a chick that takes a while to digest my life’s events; I had never, ever said the “D” word “disabled” out loud in reference to me, let alone label myself with it.

    And now here I was smack dab in the middle of “divorced and disabled” with nowhere to go, nowhere to turn, and nowhere to run.
    Those “D” words had chased me down and caught up with me.

    I left the physicians office that mid-winters afternoon muttering under my breath, “I hate “D” words.” And I meant it.

    Divorce left me alone. Disabled left me housebound.
    Neither one of those “D” words are ever pretty in themselves.
    Sooooo many people have struggled through either one or both of those “D” words, I am aware. And it’s those folks that I am thinking of today as I write…
    The guys and gals that just found out about their “D” words, those who have said those “D” words for the first time today out loud, those who are in the midst of “D” words, or those who have long learned to navigate the stormy seas of “D” words. I am thinking about all of you. I am imagining your faces, your stories, your lives.
    I am remembering that I am far from alone in “D” word living. You other “D” word live-ers….you inspire me…just thinking of you inspires me.

    For the sake of “nobodies business” I am leaving the details of “D” word #1 out of my letters.
    For the sake of self-therapy and the possibility of helping another fellow struggler I am getting down and dirty about “D” word #2.

    About 150 million people in the USA live daily with some form of chronic illness. Many with multiple conditions.
    If that’s you, welcome to Chronically, Kim.
    If that’s not you, thank you for caring for folks like me who struggle every day with disease, illness, residue of accidents, or yuck that won’t go away.

    And to all of you, thank you for being here. We will “talk” again soon.


  • September 21, 2018 /  Uncategorized

    In June 2018 I was praying for Wayne County when the Lord gave me a Word.

    “I am going to blow an Easterly wind over Wayne County. This wind will come in billows blowing over the Eastern parts of Wayne County first and moving across the whole area.” (He had me look up Easterly wind and I found it means prevailing wind.  Some definitions for prevailing are; more powerful than opposing forces, to be victorious, to conquer, triumph, succeed, to win.)

    He showed me that this wind was one of many moves of God that He has planned for our county.  Not “the move” but one of several in our area. I then had a vision and I saw an old fashion well pump. The Lord then said this Easterly wind was one prime in the pump. He will release more power and plan throughout our county. Each of those moves will be another prime in the pump until there is a great outpouring of Holy Spirit water over Wayne County.

    I sensed this easterly wind was not generated in Wayne County but coming from the outside. I knew in the Spirit that this move would first blow over Savannah, Butler, and Wolcott as they are the Eastern border. (first here does not mean best, hardest, freshest, or more powerful…simply first)

    I looked to the eastern border of Wayne County which is Cayuga County and I watched, waited and prayed.

    A few months later the Lord instructed a Port Byron couple to set up a huge tent and begin to praise and pray there. They were quickly obedient. When I realized this tent was established on the border between Wayne and Cayuga Counties I flipped. I was finally seeing the plan of God come together. I went to this tent, prayed and prophesied knowing, amongst other things, the wind of God is being generated there. This is the wind that will blow over MY county.

    Yesterday, as the Lord would have it, I found out that another couple from Fair Haven have a big tent set up and have been hosting worship, Word and prayer times. I hurried to Google Maps. I saw that this tent also is set up on our East…the border between Wayne and Cayuga Counties. I was so psyched I could barely contain it!
    Another generation spot for the move of God!
    The wind that will blow over MY county!

    I am certain that God, being so wise and powerful, has many plans for each of these tent meetings but the one that ministers to me the most is that a prevailing wind is coming…..
    “I am going to blow an Easterly wind (prevailing wind) over Wayne County. This wind will come in billows blowing over the Eastern parts of Wayne County first and moving across the whole area.”

  • October 27, 2017 /  Uncategorized

    Morning, noon, and night  I cry out in my distress,
    and the Lord hears my voice.
    (Psalm 55:17)

    Mid-day when the sun is highest in the sky.

    We are taught to start strong and end strong so it’s kinda easy
    to lag in the middle.

    It was from noon until 3pm that darkness covered the land as Jesus
    was dying on the Cross.  (Matthew 27:45, Mark 15:33, Luke 23:44+45)
    A “darkness” can creep over us at this time as many of us need a nap
    and are in an afternoon slump.
    Pray that you will be on the alert from any temptations and dangers.
    (1 Peter 5:8, Matthew 26:40)

    We can take a lead from Peter here who went up into his housetop
    to pray at noon. (Acts 10:9)

    This is a great time to pray all of Psalm 91 over yourself, your family,
    your community and your churches.

    He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
    Will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.I will say to the LORD, “My refuge and my fortress,
    My God, in whom I trust!”For it is He who delivers you from the snare of the trapper
    And from the deadly pestilence.
    He will cover you with His pinions,
    And under His wings you may seek refuge;
    His faithfulness is a shield and bulwark.You will not be afraid of the terror by night,
    Or of the arrow that flies by day;
    Of the pestilence that stalks in darkness,
    Or of the destruction that lays waste at noon.

    A thousand may fall at your side
    And ten thousand at your right hand,
    But it shall not approach you.

    You will only look on with your eyes
    And see the recompense of the wicked.

    For you have made the LORD, my refuge,
    Even the Most High, your dwelling place.

    No evil will befall you,
    Nor will any plague come near your tent.

    For He will give His angels charge concerning you,
    To guard you in all your ways.

    They will bear you up in their hands,
    That you do not strike your foot against a stone.

    You will tread upon the lion and cobra,
    The young lion and the serpent you will trample down.

    “Because he has loved Me, therefore I will deliver him;
    I will set him securely on high, because he has known My name.

    “He will call upon Me, and I will answer him;
    I will be with him in trouble;
    I will rescue him and honor him.

    “With a long life I will satisfy him
    And let him see My salvation.”